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Romance is Blind

First off I would like to apologize to those that have been here for me in my absence. Sorry I lost myself in so much drama I can't even go there.
As everyone knows I started to spend a lot more time with a guy I meet named Jason. I don't really know what it is about romance. What I mean is when you meet someone it is like you just can't get enough of them. Well I seem to not be able to. You want to spend every waken moment with them. It is like you are in high school again. Then you wake up one day and everything has change, slowly but surely you find bits and pieces out about the person and next thing you know you are having the let's just be friends talk, if your lucky enough to get that. Why is dating so hard? You go from dating to sex to a relationship to a commitment so fast that you really don't know what happened inbetween all that. Then all of a sudden you have changed everything about yourself wanting to make this person happen and it seems they never are. I have always had problems with change and usually turn away from it but I let myself do it this time with Jason and it seems nothing was ever enough. Now the more I think about it I don't think I am ready for the commit he wants. I am really only wanting to survive until I graduate from college. After that I need to find a good job, better then the one I have, and then think about getting involved with someone. Jason also has a lot of insecurities that I can't live within. His only thought right now is that I am seeing someone else. I can't have a relationship with someone that doesn't trust me that is 100% of a relationship. I haven't heard from him now and think it is best if I leave it at that. Why go through more hurt then is necessary. So I will try and be here more now. Blogging is one of the things I really enjoy. I also need to get back to those things that make me happy. I have already spent 20 years trying to fix everyone's problems. I need to make myself happy and then worry about everyone else. This picture is called "Immortal". It captured me!

Grayness

Well I have finally come to a point in my life where I just don't know what direction to go next. Lately I have really been slacking in a lot of areas in my life. I recently decided to take a term off from school as I try to clear my head of the break up with Steve. At first it seemed like a good idea but now I find myself not wanting to go back. I love school and all the work that I have put into it yet it seems like I can't get focused on anything. I seem to hate the idea of going through school all on my own. I mean before he was pretty much my push factor behind the whole school thing. Now for some reason I feel like I can't concentrate on anything. Every time I open a book I think of that fuckin asshole. I think time heals all wounds but it sure would be nice if that were days instead. My whole life I have pushed myself to the limits and yet still I have nothing to show for it. I have a year left of school and then I will have my bachelor's degree yet I'm also scared of what I will do after that. Everytime I go to a new job interview it seems they look at me and smile, then send me a nice card in the mail to say I'm OVERQUALIFIED. It makes me wonder sometimes why I am working so hard. Also for what I'm I work toward.

Then there is the whole aspect of being alone while I go through all this. I have recently meet the most wonderful man. He is just unbelievable to me. Yet I am so scared that with working full time and school full time that he will feel like he is left out. I try my hardest to find time for everyone yet it doesn't seem to work. Then over the weekend we decided to go rent a movie. It started off as a rather good plan. We walk into the rental place and low and behold there is Steve with this thing called a woman. I have to add she is the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. It was bad. We got our movie and left. My brother would be proud though they walked right passed us and I didn't mutter a sound. God I wanted to though. The only way I see all that is that I am so much better then that woman and he really lost out. But it was his decision and if he wouldn't have made it I would have never have meet Jason.

I really hesitated with the whole involving myself in another relationship. Yet the more I thought about it I don't deserve to be miserable and Steve is so not worth any hurt from me. I have begun to spend a lot of time with Jason. Everything about us just fits like a glove. He is so much more mature then anyone I have every dated. His respect level for me and people just flatters me. Respect seems to have gotten lost over the years. I think respect and honestly are camping out on some deserted island. That must be why so few people can find them. All in all I am trying to take things slow, yet anyone that has found love in there lives knows that is the last easy thing to try and do in a relationship.

Well this is getting rather long and I could probably type all night. I have to go to work though. The art today is called "Grayness". I am not sure about the artist. It is on the art though. I look for so much art that I can't always remember the artists. Enjoy! Later.

Wow, I am losing track of time?

I just can't seem to grasp time. It is here and gone before I even realize it. All I have been doing is sleeping and working. I actually have 2 whole days off from work. This has not happened in a month. So what do I do on my days off. Laundry and surfing the web. Does that make me pathetic? I don't think so. The funny part is when I was involved with someone it seemed I had no life and was always sitting at home. Now that I am not in that situation any longer I have all the time in the world to do whatever it is that I want. This is nice but the days are flying by so fast I just want to catch a few and hold them tight as to not get away. School has been kicking me in the ass pretty good and I really can't go there. I meet someone new and began dating him recently. I can't go there either. There is just to much to say about it all and it kind of scares me to think about another relationship when my wounds from the last are so unhealed. Maybe I will let that all out of the bag later. It would be a story that everyone would enjoy. When I started blogging I wanted this to be a blog of ideas and thoughts. So where do you draw the line? I know that it will be personal to me in some aspects yet it is nice to have so many good friends to share my thoughts and ideas with. The more blogs I read the more I wonder if I really have anything to say. Everyone has brilliant stories and situation that they share. I seem to just have me and my life. I never believed people wanted to hear about every things with me. I guess my blog is more like a journal then anything else. Today's art is Dorien Klevenger. ENJOY! Well laundry awaits. Later.

Vacations, Vacations!

Whoa, what a week. I have gone from a life of staying at home and hiding from the world to actually getting myself out and being part of it. This month has become the month of vacations. Everyone needs them and I really can't remember when I last had one. So it looks like this will be the month to do that. First I am going to Minnesota to an amusement park there called ValleyFair. I know I need the fun. A few friends that I have meet recently have invited me to go along with them. At first it was the same answer as always. NO! Then as I started to think about it and I found that I need more yes in my life and less trapping of my own free will. So it is a yes and the plans are on there way. Next get away will be going to Virginia Beach, Virginia to see my brother whom I haven't seen in about 7 years. I really haven't figured out if this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. My brother and I never really got along when we were growing up and after he moved away that was that. I think this is more his wife's idea then his.

The next problem I have ran into is that I don't fly. Never have and never wanted to. It has been a personal phobia of mine for a while. I don't know if anyone remembers but in 1989 a DC 10 crashed in Sioux City, Iowa. There were about 175 people that perished in that crash. I lived there at the time and saw the wreckage and the people involved not minutes after the crash. It was horrifying to me. The memories and images I saw that day have always haunted my mind, when it came time for me to try and fly. Yet, when your brother buys the ticket for you and makes sure it is non-refundable you pretty much have to go. So I took a trip to my doctors office and got some velum to try and make this somewhat bearable. I am still scared to go though. I will be leaving the last week of August. I'm going to spend a week down there. I will let you know how all that comes to be when I get back home.

The picture today is a Francisco Rivera. I posted this one for Zombieslayer. Him and I seem to have a lot of things in common and thought he would enjoy this one. Let me know what you think. Later