Grayness

Well I have finally come to a point in my life where I just don't know what direction to go next. Lately I have really been slacking in a lot of areas in my life. I recently decided to take a term off from school as I try to clear my head of the break up with Steve. At first it seemed like a good idea but now I find myself not wanting to go back. I love school and all the work that I have put into it yet it seems like I can't get focused on anything. I seem to hate the idea of going through school all on my own. I mean before he was pretty much my push factor behind the whole school thing. Now for some reason I feel like I can't concentrate on anything. Every time I open a book I think of that fuckin asshole. I think time heals all wounds but it sure would be nice if that were days instead. My whole life I have pushed myself to the limits and yet still I have nothing to show for it. I have a year left of school and then I will have my bachelor's degree yet I'm also scared of what I will do after that. Everytime I go to a new job interview it seems they look at me and smile, then send me a nice card in the mail to say I'm OVERQUALIFIED. It makes me wonder sometimes why I am working so hard. Also for what I'm I work toward.

Then there is the whole aspect of being alone while I go through all this. I have recently meet the most wonderful man. He is just unbelievable to me. Yet I am so scared that with working full time and school full time that he will feel like he is left out. I try my hardest to find time for everyone yet it doesn't seem to work. Then over the weekend we decided to go rent a movie. It started off as a rather good plan. We walk into the rental place and low and behold there is Steve with this thing called a woman. I have to add she is the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. It was bad. We got our movie and left. My brother would be proud though they walked right passed us and I didn't mutter a sound. God I wanted to though. The only way I see all that is that I am so much better then that woman and he really lost out. But it was his decision and if he wouldn't have made it I would have never have meet Jason.

I really hesitated with the whole involving myself in another relationship. Yet the more I thought about it I don't deserve to be miserable and Steve is so not worth any hurt from me. I have begun to spend a lot of time with Jason. Everything about us just fits like a glove. He is so much more mature then anyone I have every dated. His respect level for me and people just flatters me. Respect seems to have gotten lost over the years. I think respect and honestly are camping out on some deserted island. That must be why so few people can find them. All in all I am trying to take things slow, yet anyone that has found love in there lives knows that is the last easy thing to try and do in a relationship.

Well this is getting rather long and I could probably type all night. I have to go to work though. The art today is called "Grayness". I am not sure about the artist. It is on the art though. I look for so much art that I can't always remember the artists. Enjoy! Later.